Mom Guilt!

Wow what a week! I can say without a doubt this was one of my hardest and I wasn't sure if I should post how I feel about it on the blog but here goes. I want to record every aspect of the kids childhood. When and if they ever decide to read the blog book I want them to know that this Mom and Dad stuff is hard work and we are always striving to do our best. You know there is something to be said for a mothers intuition I will never forget when Nathan was six weeks old and I knew something was wrong with him and wasn't sure if I should take him to the doctors but deep down I knew I should. I remember waking up from a nap and at this point I was nursing him every 2 hours and it had been six hours during the day. To make a long story short, I will never forget the look on the doctors face when we took him in the ER and they opened his eyes and they were so blood shot they were red. Nate would spend the next three days in the hospital and I vowed to always and forever follow my intuition with my kids. Well fast forward to Nathans life year 6. Its another soccer season and nothing shows how Nathan is unable to keep up with his peers than soccer season. I haven't been a big part of soccer this season so when I went to a practice the week before last and saw him struggle I knew it was time.Time for me to not just treat his asthma but time to figure out how to manage it. Last weekend Nathan had breathing problems at night and by Saturday I was worried. We had a limo rented with friends and so I knew we had to go out but I was able to drive home at the end because by now my mom powers were telling me be alert at all times! On Sunday night Nathan needed his inhaler and Monday morning I called the doctors office. It went down like most appointments. The nurse asks me how he's doing, I say well not so good I am a bit worried about his cough and ....... She takes his blood oxygen and then puts it on the other finger to get a better reading. I could tell by the look on her face that ohhhh man! And then it happened that knot that you get in the bottom of your stomach that makes you want to puke! She did a pulmonary function test and said I think I will go get the doctor and the nebulizer..... uhhhh MOM GUILT! Seriously I had no idea. Nathan is so hard he will tell you he is fine on his last breath. Well by this time Carl was there and the doctor came it to tell us what horrible parents we were . I admit it I was not doing everything I could have, should have.Although its hard to do anything when you don't really know. Okay well whats done is done, the doctor told us if we didn't start giving him all his meds he could have COPD at age 30 and on oxygen-- I think that was a scare tactic but it worked!
So anyway here we are Nathan's asthma medicine has been increased from 1 does 1 time daily to 4 doses 4 times daily for 4 days and then 2 doses twice daily and four times a day we are monitoring his peak airflow. He had to have treatments at school last week and my phone rang twice when they ask for me my heart skips a beat and well I just am not cut out for this asthma thing. As of now I have not seen any improvement so we will head back to the doctors tomorrow and get a check up so we can go away for Spring Break next week. I want my happy go lucky kid back that loves to run and play soccer and as for me well I don't know what I will have left to deal with Caitlin and the teenage years between Owen and speech and Nathan and Asthma but all I can say is next week is Spring Break AND
WE CANT WAIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!